Aggie Princess

Changed up the layout just for kicks. Like it?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Get excited...

Time to VENT some steam!

So...I don't feel like I belong. I know we all have those moments, some more than others. But, right now it is time for me to feel like I don't belong. I feel like the odd one out in our house. I love my roommates, but I feel so different from them. When I speak, they don't hear me. When they do, they just wrinkle their face in confusion. Maybe it is because I try to be like them, and the real Jaclyn doesn't shine through so they get confused. I wonder if I have ever been myself around them. I don't know if I have. I want to be myself, but I feel trapped sometimes. Trapped by their amazing faiths. It is so weird, to feel trapped by Christianity itself. No, that is the wrong way to say it. These girls are incredible, all of them dating guys that aspire to be pastors. They don't even kiss their boyfriends, it is a hands-off policy. This is so foreign to me. I am Christian too, but I think I rebel in my faith because they are so strong in theirs. How crazy is that?

Once I arranged some of those magnetic words on the fridge to read "drink heavy." Now I have words up there arranged that say, "I like men!!!" When I talk about things that aren't Chrisitian, such as how I like the lyrics to a secular song or how I think Fall is the perfect season to write a romance, or how Gilmore Girls is the best show ever, they meet me with silence. It feels condemning. It feels like, "shut up." It feels as if I defile them. I can't be myself if they won't let me. I want to say the word "shit" if I need to. I don't want to be ashamed of how I live my life. I'm not saying I live a crazy life, I'm far from it. I just don't want this pressure to be perfect. So, here I am. Sitting alone in my room while they play with Chaz and bake cakes. Cakes that are not for us to eat. Do you know how hard it is to smell chocolate cake baking knowing that you can't eat it? Horible. (no, I didn't spell it wrong. That is how you spell it in Spanish) Anyway. I just needed to let this out, since I can't let anything out in my house. So it seems, so it seems.